When the Walls Go Down
by The Silent Scream
Summary: One of them is breaking apart. Will the other be there to pick up the pieces? Eventual Jane/Maura.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: So, apparently, my muse is really fond of Rizzoli & Isles lately. Unlike the previous story though, which has nothing to do with this new one, the following tale will be much less bloody and gruesome. Yeah, muse wanted to do some angsty stuff, so I said, Why not, and here we go. For some strange reason, my muse also had the great idea to start each chapter with citing a song, so now I spend a lot of time searching through music. Makes me wonder why I do these things… But anyway! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: None of the characters used from Rizzoli & Isles are mine. Songs cited are copyrighted to their respective creators, as well.

* * *

When the Walls Go Down

_Give me a sign_

_Sing the words of innocence _

_and broken pride_

_Make my conclusions fail_

_Send me a sign_

_Hear this broken melody_

_Cause each night_

_I die in Hell_

_Kamelot – My Confession_

She awoke in a cold sweat, as she always did after a particularly bad dream, with a high-pitched wheezing noise that should have been a scream, but only left her throat as a breathless whisper. For a few moments, she just laid there, staring into the darkness of the bedroom, seeing their faces over and over, the faces of the men and women who had fallen victim to their murderers before she had been able to save them – and the faces of the men who had caused her the most pain in her life, Paddy Doyle, Dominic Bianchi, and most of all Charles Hoyt, the worst of them all and the one who haunted her the most in her dreams.

Trying hard to calm herself down, she remained perfectly still, only her chest rising and falling slightly as she made herself take deep and slow breaths; she felt a chill run up and down her spine and automatically glanced over to the window, having a second to wonder if she had left it open before she saw that it was tightly closed, her next breath escaping her as a heavy sigh – before she nearly screamed again as she saw the dark figure looking in through the window, staring right at her.

Now breathless, she scrambled to get out of bed, eager to get something she could defend herself with, even though she wasn't sure her trembling hands would be able to grip anything tight enough, and then she blinked and the figure was gone, prompting her to freeze in the darkness of her bedroom as she stared hard, debating with herself if she should go and look or not.

Finally, she told herself not to be a coward, and moved to the window, peering through the glass at first, then opening it and looking outside; no one was there, the area empty and quiet, as it was fitting for the late hour, and she briefly closed her eyes in an effort to calm herself yet again before she closed the window and leaned her forehead against the cool glass, taking a few more deep breaths.

It had been the same almost every night for the last few weeks, her nightmares tearing her out of her sleep between two and three a.m.; and just like every night before, she knew she wouldn't get any more sleep, having spent the previous nights tossing and turning until her alarm clock tore her out of her slumber.

Still she went back to bed, knowing she at least had to try, knowing that she had a lot of work ahead of her in the next morning; and as she turned back to her bed, Hoyt stood there, his scalpel flashing as he smiled at her, and this time, she did scream, her cry going unheard as she flinched back, automatically raising her hands in a useless attempt to defend herself, squeezing her eyes shut – before the rational part of her mind caught up and reminded her of the fact that Hoyt was gone, dead and gone, that he couldn't harm her anymore.

Suddenly on the verge of tears, she slid down against the wall until she ended up on the floor, tightly hugging her knees to her chest, staring into nothingness again as she tried to remember all the things she knew about meditation; and as she sat there in the dark, fighting the urge to rock back and forth, Dr Maura Isles asked herself if she was slowly, but steadily losing her mind.


	2. Chapter 2

_While your world is worth of trying_

_My world is mere cold_

_No chance in disillusion_

_Only the end of the road_

_Insomniun – Weighed Down with Sorrow_

By the time her alarm clock did finally beep, Maura's eyes felt grainy and tired, but still sleep had eluded her for the rest of the night, as she had predicted; some time after the brief vision of Hoyt, she had made it back to her bed, and had laid there until finally, it had been time to get up, feeling exhausted and drained as she forced herself to get out of bed.

For a brief moment, she thought of calling in sick, then told herself not to be silly – even if she did call in sick, she knew that sleep would be impossible during the day as it was during the night, and she'd only spend her time wandering around the house, perhaps buy things she didn't need online, and have way too much time to let her mind run wild.

Shuddering at the mere possibility of sitting at home all day and pondering the various horrible things which had happened in her life lately, she thus got out of bed and made her way to the bathroom; there, she went through her usual morning routine, something which took her a bit longer than usual as it proved surprisingly difficult to successfully cover the dark rings beneath her eyes. Still, she managed it well enough to pass her critical glances at herself; she figured that one had to look really closely at her to see that something wasn't as right as it should be, and of her colleagues, most of them didn't do that, anyway.

The only one who'd take such a close look might be Jane, but since currently, the detective was in the middle of yet another quite challenging case, and even though they still found time for each other, they hadn't been able to hang out as much as usual ever since said case had started, something which would have bothered Maura under different circumstances, but was quite welcome at the moment – after all, Jane would surely notice that something was off with her, and the last thing she needed was to be questioned by the taller woman.

Momentarily, she paused in the act of putting on her make-up as her thoughts lingered on her best friend; even though Jane had been affected much more directly by two of the three men she had nightmares of so often, it seemed that the detective handled those events much, much better, only having had a minor breakdown after the last incident with Hoyt and getting over her kidnapping at the hands of Bianchi even faster than that.

_Perhaps Jane is just mentally stronger than you are, _she pondered as she resumed her daily routine, frowning at her reflection in the mirror, _better equipped to deal with such scenarios._

Getting done with the morning routine, Maura made sure that her bathroom was as spotless as ever before she made her way to the kitchen; to her relief, Angela wasn't there yet, she still had the house to herself, a few more extra moments of calm and quiet, something she needed after the dreadful last night.

Momentarily, she felt bad for thinking this way about a woman who always was so kind to her, and had accepted her into their family with open arms, dealing with all her quirks and oddities, the way just a few other people could – Jane, for example, and her brothers, even though they weren't exactly as good as it as Jane was.

Again she paused as her thoughts once more got stuck on the detective; if Angela had happened to enter just now, she surely would have seen at once that something was amiss, with the medical examiner standing in the middle of her kitchen and not moving an inch, staring off into nothingness. Lately, she had caught herself doing this more and more whenever she was alone and thought of her best friend; and by now, she had admitted to herself that over the last few weeks and months, she had begun to think of Jane the way she previously only had thought about the men in her life, imagining how it might be to be held in those slim, but strong arms, against that wiry body, and to feel the taller woman's lips on hers.

As always when she caught herself pondering those things, she asked herself if they were just another sign that she was on the slippery slope of mental instability, never having felt this way for another woman before; on the other hand though, she was honest enough with herself to admit that her feelings for the taller woman had begun to change before her nightmares had started, even though she never had consciously dealt with them before she had found herself lying awake for hours in her bed.

Once again, she asked herself why Jane was handling all of this so much better than she did, if the detective was having similar troubles and just hid them better or if she really was so much stronger, making her so weak; she did know for a fact that her best friend was having nightmares, but not with the alarming regularity she had them, and afterwards, she usually could go back to sleep, not spending the rest of the night awake, plagued by visions of their past foes.

The sound of a key turning in the lock tore her out of her musings, and she quickly moved on, to the coffee machine, giving her best to look busy as Angela entered, greeting her with her usual cheer and happy tone of voice; she forced a smile which felt way too fake onto her face as she turned to look at the elder woman and returned the greeting, to her relief hiding her overall dismal state well enough despite how unreal her cheerfulness had sounded in her own ears.

"Would you mind giving me a ride to the precinct?" Angela asked as she moved to the fridge, in search for something she could cook for breakfast, "my car is giving me trouble again, I was going to ask Giovanni to fix it, but apparently, he was out on a date yesterday, because he wasn't there."

"…of course", Maura gave back after the second she had needed to process this flood of information; momentarily, she felt a bit overwhelmed, the talkative nature of the elder woman clashing with how drained she still felt after yet another night without proper sleep, then she told herself to get over it and that Angela was the last person to blame for this, just being her usual self while it was her who had the problems.

"You're such a dear", Angela beamed on her, finally having settled on what to make for breakfast, namely rather un-Italian French toast, and moving to the oven, ingredients in hand; and again, Maura made herself smile at her, even though the thought of driving with a passenger terrified her – it was dangerous enough to get behind the steering wheel alone, with how exhausted and unfocused she felt, but taking another person with her, putting them in danger…

"Maura, dear, are you alright?" Angela tore her out of her thoughts yet again, forcing to use almost all the willpower she had so she wouldn't flinch; she made herself nod, hoping the elder woman wouldn't notice that this wasn't exactly true, and telling herself that this couldn't be counted as a lie - after all, physically, she _was _fine, it was just her mental state which was to be questioned. When she didn't immediately break out in hives, she figured that her mental acrobatics about how this hadn't been a lie had been successful, and even though she felt rather bad about it, she made no move to correct herself, not wanting to upset Angela.

Clearly, the elder woman wasn't fully convinced, since she gave her a rather sceptical and questioning look; to her relief, she didn't ask further though, but merely nodded after a moment and focused on making breakfast while Maura returned her attention to the coffee machine again, already dreading the ride to work and asking herself how long she would be able to fool Jane, if even the much less perceptive Angela noticed that something was a bit off about her.


	3. Chapter 3

_Masquerade! Burning glances, turning heads _

_Masquerade! Stop and stare at the sea of smiles around you _

_Masquerade! Seething shadows breathing lies _

_Masquerade! You can fool any friend who ever knew you _

_Masquerade! Leering satyrs, peering eyes _

_Masquerade! Run and hide, but a face will still pursue you._

_The Phantom of the Opera – Masquerade_

The drive to the precinct went by uneventfully, despite Maura's fear of slipping into microsleep and causing an accident; statistics about such unfortunate incidents had been running wild in her head during the whole ride, accompanied by Angela's happy chatter, the elder woman clearly not minding the fact that she wasn't getting much responses from the doctor, not making a comment about it either once they finally had reached the building and their ways had parted, only telling her to have a good day.

She wished her the same, this time apparently sounding honest and happy enough to not cause any further questions about her well-being; and as she made her way downstairs to the morgue, she kept up the façade of the well-rested and good-humoured medical examiner, nodding greetings at those who passed her and returning the "good mornings" which were sent her way.

Only once she was in the safety of the morgue, alone with the dead people there, she let the mask slip an inch, her smile vanishing into nothingness while she moved to her office and checked if anything new had arrived during the night; at least, no new corpses had been delivered, but she knew that this didn't mean that no one had been murdered during the night and would end up on her autopsy table within the next hour.

Pausing, she held out her hand and looked at it closely, hoping that no one would enter now and ask her what she was doing; and just as she had feared, her hand was trembling, just enough to be noticeable, more than enough to mess up an autopsy, should she have to do one anytime soon.

Pushing those thoughts aside to the farthest corner of her mind, she told herself that she could do this, that it was her job and that she had trained for years to do it; she took a moment to run both hands through her hair, taking in a few deep breaths, then checked both her hands again, relieved to see that the shaking, even though it wasn't fully gone, had decreased slightly.

Briefly, she wished for enough guaranteed privacy to go through some yoga poses, but knew that the possibility of anyone entering while she was right in the middle of them was too high to dare and risk it; and thus, she sat down and switched on her computer, forcing herself to stay away from any shopping sites, focusing on her inbox instead, going through the mail she had received since her last check.

To her relief, there weren't too many new ones, and most of those she had received could be answered quickly and without too much effort; giving her best to keep her thoughts from wandering, something which had been easy before the nightmares had started, but was rather difficult now, Maura started doing just that, her gaze focused on the screen as her fingers moved over the keyboard.

Just as she had finished her reply to the sixth email and moved to press the Send button, her phone vibrated next to her, unexpected enough to make her flinch; scolding herself for being so jumpy, and blaming it on the lack of sleep, she hurriedly sent the mail, then checked the phone, not surprised at all to see that it was a text from Jane.

_You busy? _the text read, making her smile slightly, her first real smile of the day – after all, by now Jane should know that no matter how busy she might be, she'd always find time for her, _need to talk about case._

_Sure, _the doctor wrote back at once, _just come down to the morgue._

_On my way, _the phone vibrated not even half a minute later, making her ask herself how fast Jane could actually text; then, she shrugged it off and quickly retrieved a hand mirror from the first drawer of her desk, taking a close look at herself, making sure that her make-up was still doing the job of hiding the dark rings beneath her eyes. To her relief, it looked fine, but she still wasn't sure if it would work with Jane; she was quite sure that it had with everyone else so far, since no one had but Angela had asked her if she was okay, but she was aware of the fact that Jane knew her better than anyone in the precinct, and if anyone would be able to tell that she wasn't okay just by looking at her, it'd be her best friend.

Realizing that she had been staring at the mirror the whole time she had been pondering those things, Maura hurriedly put it back into the drawer, not wanting Jane to catch her studying her own reflection like that; the detective might make some sarcastic joke about it, but surely, it would be noticed as unusual, and just yet, Maura didn't feel ready to tell her best friend about what she was going through. Part of her knew that telling Jane might make it easier, might take the nightmares away or at least lessen them; on the other hand though, she told herself that the taller woman had more than enough on her plate, dealing with her own issues and sometimes with those of her family, surely, she didn't need even more stuff to handle, not even if it came from her.

"Morning Maur!", Jane's voice interrupted those musings as the detective came strolling into the office, radiating self-confidence and strength, the way she always did, even after the most horrendous cases and events; and while she returned the greeting, yet another genuine smile curling her lips, she had to fight the urge to hold her breath as she wondered if Jane would notice something and ask any questions she didn't want to be asked.

"Sorry to be a pain right after you came in", the detective went on, moving to sit on the edge of her desk, something she wouldn't let anyone else do, briefly asking herself if Jane was aware of this and, if she was, what she thought of it, "but we really need those results, did you get them yet?"

"Just a minute", the blonde gave back, leaning over to the plastic tray in which incoming results were put, should they arrive when she wasn't there, quickly leafing through the folders there; to her dismay, the one she was looking for wasn't there, and she gave Jane an apologetic look as she shook her head.

"Crud", the taller woman grumbled, crossing her arms over her chest in annoyance, "I told them I need it quickly…"

"I'll go talk to Senior Criminalist Chang", Maura gave back, already beginning to rise from her seat, only to sink back onto it when Jane shook her head, then got off the desk, letting her know that she'd go ask her herself.

"Be nice", Maura almost automatically told her, knowing that the detective and the senior criminalist didn't exactly see eye to eye, for reasons unknown to her; with a little snort, Jane nodded, then asked her if she was up to going for lunch later, should nothing drastic happen which would keep them stuck at the precinct, making it her turn to nod as she found herself smiling again, the mere thought of having some private time, real private time with no danger of interruptions, with her best friend.

"Great", Jane smirked, the sight making the medical examiner's heart beat faster, just another indication for her changing feelings, "I'll pick you up then, or call you. See you later."

"See you later", Maura gave back, fighting hard to keep a hint of giddiness out of her voice – after all, she had no idea how Jane might react to finding out about the feelings she had been developing for her, and the last thing she needed added to her pile of existing troubles was a fight with her best friend.

The detective took another moment during which she just smiled at her, then turned and left; and the moment the door had fallen close behind her, Maura's smile vanished from her face and she slumped back in her chair, briefly closing her eyes as she asked herself how much longer she would be able to keep up this masquerade.


	4. Chapter 4

_Will I refrain?_

_Can I repent?_

_Will you be there?_

_Erase the page_

_For I'm alone and ailing_

_Epica – Storm the Sorrow_

For the next three hours, Maura successfully kept her mind away from the darkest corners, busying herself with her work; the fact that several people dropped in with questions and requests made this easier than she had thought it would be, even though she was honest enough with herself to admit that it would have been even more helpful if Jane had been among those coming to see her.

To her dismay though, the current case, involving a so far unknown culprit who had quite brutally murdered a young couple in their home, kept the detective too busy to allow her any time for chatting though; due to the violence with which the crime had been committed, evidenced by the horrible wounds the victims had suffered, the case was high priority, successfully keeping the detective stuck in the bullpen and away from her best friend.

As the time for lunch got closer and closer, Maura caught herself staring at her computer screen without actually seeing what it displayed, pondering if Jane would find time to have lunch or if they'd have to cancel after all; the thought of having to eat alone, some of the food she had stashed in the "dead people fridge" as the detective liked to call it, upset her more than she liked to admit to herself, making it all too clear how vulnerable she felt after yet another night of bad dreams and not enough sleep.

_God, I need to find a solution for this, _Maura thought to herself as she ran both hands through her hair, not even fully noticing that she was getting some of the perfectly arranged strands out of place, tousling her hair, _if this goes on, it will have consequences sooner or later, sleep deprivation is dangerous and unhealthy…_

As if on command, her brain started rattling off the various ailments which could be caused by a longer period of lacking sleep, something which didn't help her all too much right now, but something she couldn't stop either; momentarily, she understood why what Jane always called her Googlemouth would drive the detective nuts at times, and it took her a conscious effort of will to stop thinking about these unpleasant numbers and facts.

Forcing herself to breathe slowly and calmly yet again, she closed her eyes, trying to find her inner calm, the peace she needed to continue her work; and just when she thought she was getting there, her phone vibrated yet again, startling her out of her tranquillity, her heart sinking when she looked at the small screen and saw that it was a text from Jane.

She already knew what it would say before she even pushed the button which displayed it, but reading the words and finding her fears confirmed only made it worse; for almost a full minute, she just sat there, staring at the phone, as if the words might change, should she just look at them long and hard enough.

_Sorry, can't make it to lunch, _the detective had written, the cancellation upsetting her more than it should, _new dev. in the case. Ttyl._

Realizing that, if she took too long to write back, Jane would probably get suspicious, Maura took in another deep breath, then started composing her reply, giving her best to not let her dismay about this show through the words; it took her longer than usually, but finally, she had a reply she figured she could send without letting Jane notice that something was amiss.

_No worries, _she had written, figuring that this was innocent enough, _good luck with the new development. See you later._

The moment she hit Send, her vision blurred, and she had to swallow heavily in an attempt to fight back her tears; telling herself to not be stupid, that this was no reason to cry, Maura put her phone back down on the desk and fought the urge to bury her face in her hands, well aware of the fact that this would mess up her make-up just as bad as crying would, not to mention the danger of someone coming in and needing something from her, the medical examiner not wanting to imagine what they might say if they'd find her as a sobbing wreck in her office.

All at once, despite her resolution to keep her troubles hidden from Jane and the detective's family, Maura wished for the taller woman to come to her, take one look at her and ask her what was wrong, and then she'd tell her, and Jane would move closer to her and hold her and give her comfort and tell her it would all be okay, that she'd keep the nightmares away…

Now the tears did come, unbidden, but unstoppable; and as she realized this, all Maura could do was get up from her seat and make her way to the washroom as fast as possible, locking herself in one of the stalls there and burying her face in her hands to keep down the volume of her sobs, crying as quietly could as she asked herself what was happening to her, how she could put an end to this – and when before all of this had been the last time she had felt so truly and utterly alone.


	5. Chapter 5

_Apply layers to reality_

_Things only you can see_

_Add a beat to normality_

_To tap the core of insanity_

_Dark Tranquillity – The Mundane and the Magic_

Hours later, as she left the precinct, not the smallest signs of her breakdown were left; she was Dr Isles again, calm and composed and professional, a woman who was in control of herself and her life.

"Have a good evening, doctor", one of the cops called out to her as she walked past him on her way to the exit, and she nodded briskly at him, briefly remembering that these small greetings had been most of her social interaction with the other people at the precinct, only exchanging words about work with them otherwise, before Jane had entered her life; back then, when she still had been the Queen of the Dead, feared by some, ridiculed by others.

Only when her friendship with Jane had begun, this had started to change, partly because of the way the detective would defend her against anyone who made the mistake to speak ill of her in the taller woman's presence; and partly because she herself had become more open, as well, the mere fact that she had a friend like Jane making it easier for her to speak to people about other things than work.

_At least, you won't be alone tonight, with Jane coming over after work, _she told herself as she made her way to her car, holding back the urge to grimace as she thought of how utterly lonely she had felt before lunch, crying alone in a bathroom stall; at least, though, no one had come in while she had been doing that, and she'd had enough time to reapply her make-up afterwards, hiding all the traces of her tears and the lack of sleep.

As she drove, she thought of what Jane had suggested during one of the brief moments she had found time to visit her in the morgue at last, in the later afternoon; due to the fact that their lunch plans hadn't quite worked out, she had suggested to come to Maura's home after work, and that she'd bring dinner, the latter denied by the medical examiner though as she was well aware of what Jane would bring – either burgers, pizza or something else, equally unhealthy, and she doubted that eating such food would be helpful for a good night's sleep.

Thus, she had told the detective that she would make dinner, something Jane had accepted after making her promise she'd prepare nothing too fancy or unpronounceable; and now, she was pondering what to cook and if she had everything she'd need at home or if she still had to buy something and should stop at the store on her way home.

Finally settling on steaks with potatoes, since she had all the stuff needed for that at home and figured that this would cater to Jane's tastes, but not be too heavy to influence her sleep, Maura briefly went through the mental catalogue of drinks at her home, then decided that they had enough of everything and that a trip to the store was not necessary; to keep her mind busy, she started thinking of the various ways one could prepare a steak and potatoes, reminding herself gain and again of the fact that Jane would be coming to her house and that she wouldn't be alone later on.

As she drove, keeping her gaze focused on the traffic, she asked herself when exactly being alone had become so terrifying to her; after all, before Jane, she had spent almost all of her evenings alone, when she hadn't gone out to the theatre or an exhibition – and even to those events, she had often had gone without anyone to accompany her, something she couldn't imagine doing anymore now. And even though she knew that Jane wasn't all too fond of such events, and only went with her to be nice and a good friend, she appreciated the detective's effort; on the other hand though, she now noticed with alarm how dependent she had become of the other woman's company, asking herself if this really was a good thing.

"Don't be stupid", she then chided herself out loud, not caring if any of the other drivers saw her talking to herself in her own car and thought that she was bonkers, "how could your friendship be a bad thing?"

There was no answer to that question at hand, and she was glad about that; to reinforce the fact that their friendship was something good, something wonderful, she thought of all the happy moments she never would have experienced without Jane in her life, telling herself that brief instants during which she felt lonely when lunch plans failed were nothing compared to the solitude she had lived in before.

_You're just having these thoughts because you're upset and lacking sleep, _she thought to herself, now managing to not talk out loud; momentarily, she thought of the moment in the middle of the previous night, when she had asked herself if she was going insane, then rigorously pushed that notion aside, telling herself that this was ridiculous, that it had been a highly exaggerated thought, caused by the nightmares and the terribly upset state she had been in.

Realizing that she had to change lanes if she wanted to get on the street leading to her home, she reminded herself of the fact that she still was driving and thus shouldn't let her mind wander so much; more automatically than with conscious thought, she glanced up into the rear view mirror to make sure she could change lanes without danger, and her eyes met Dominic Bianchi's as he smiled at her from his place on the backseat, a startled shriek escaping her at the unexpected sight.

Somehow, she managed to not jerk the steering wheel left or right, but stayed on the street, only speeding up for a few seconds as she involuntarily stepped down harder on the gas pedal; she regained her self-control fast enough to avoid an accident, slowing down again, breathing heavily as she stared into the rear view mirror, not surprised to find the back seat empty now.

With her heart hammering up to her throat, Maura pulled over, well aware of the fact that she still might cause an accident, should she drive on in her current startled state; she let the car come to a halt, then slumped back in the driver's seat, breathing heavily, feeling sweat trickled down her cheeks. Even though she knew by now that it had been a vision – _a hallucination, _her mind insisted, _you're _hallucinating_, you're going insane, _and that Bianchi wasn't really in her car, she twisted in the seat, just to make sure; as expected, it was empty, and she let out another heavy breath before she dug out her phone.

Her thumb already hovered over the fast dial button for Jane's cell, but didn't push down; now that the first impulse to call her best friend had faded, she asked herself what exactly she would say. "Please leave work and come collect me, I just had a hallucination of Dominic Bianchi sitting in my backseat" clearly was not an option; by now, Jane might have gotten used to all her quirks and oddities, but surely receiving a call in which she claimed to have had had a hallucination of the man who had abducted the detective would be considered as something much more drastic and serious than a mere quirk.

_Well, couldn't blame her, _Maura had to admit to herself while her heartbeat slowed down again at last, _this is a serious issue, and you know it… The question is, how do you want to handle it…_

Not sure how to answer this question, the medical examiner took in a few more deep breaths, trying to calm herself down further; and finally, she decided that she was ready to drive on and did just that, giving her best to ignore the nagging fear at the back of her mind about her mental stability, telling herself that surely, after proper sleep without any nightmares, everything would be okay again.


	6. Chapter 6

_Seasons range, but you remain the same_

_A steady heart, a sun to rain_

_You'll be the light that's shining bright_

_High above me_

_Epica – Tides of Time_

"That was so good", Jane sighed out, pushing the emptied and almost spotless plate away from herself slightly before she leaned back into her chair, "thanks, Maura. It was awesome."

"You're welcome", Maura smiled, still having quite a bit left on her plate – unlike her, Jane hadn't had proper lunch, and thus had wolfed the meal down, finishing in record time, making the medical examiner wonder how exactly she had been able to taste anything of what she had prepared.

Smiling at her across the table, Jane picked up her bottle of beer and took a long swig from it; and then, she spoke up again, sounding casual and as if what she was saying was no big deal, but still her words nearly made the doctor choke on her food. "And now tell me what's bothering you, and how much you've been sleeping lately."

"…what do you mean?" Maura gave back once she could be sure she wouldn't end up coughing meat and potatoes all over the table; the question was merely a way to win some time, not something she asked because of not understanding, and from the way Jane raised an eyebrow at her, it was clear that the detective knew this, as well.

"You know perfectly well what I mean", she then replied, leaning forward in her seat again and reaching over the table to grasp one of the other woman's hands, the touch sending shivers up and down Maura's spine, unbeknownst to Jane, "there are dark circles beneath your eyes, which you tried to hide with make-up, I'm quite sure you think I didn't notice, but your hands are trembling, and you simply look tired as Hell. I've been there, remember?"

Not sure what to reply, Maura just held her gaze for a few seconds, then let it drop down to her plate, swallowing heavily while she lowered her fork, her appetite suddenly gone; Jane's hand was still on her other one, she noticed, now squeezing tenderly, in a silent attempt to make her look up at her again, concern in the detective's voice when the doctor refused to do so and prompted her to speak up again.

"Look, if it's something you don't want to tell me, that's fine, but hey, we've been friends for a while now, right", she went on, her thumb by now caressing the back of the doctor's hand tenderly, "and that's what friends are for, telling them if there's something… I don't know, bad going on. Maybe I can help, and even if I can't, just talking might help. And don't try to tell me that nothing's wrong, cause I don't want you to get hives or even faint."

The last few words made Maura smile weakly, her gaze finally coming back up again, briefly pausing at Jane's hand on hers, then moving on the detective's face, until their eyes met; and the worry and warmth she saw in the other woman's made her heart clench up and her throat tighten, making it difficult for her to speak.

"…I… haven't been sleeping well for a while now", she finally admitted, realizing that, even if she had been able to lie, it would have been useless, since Jane already knew this for a fact, anyway, "for the past few weeks, I've been having…"

Her throat tightened up even further, a thick lump suddenly in the middle of it, making it impossible to go on; she swallowed heavily, fighting hard to keep the tears inside, not wanting to let Jane see how bad she really was, telling herself again that the detective had more than enough weight on her shoulders already and she didn't need to, that she couldn't add a bunch of her own problems.

"Nightmares", Jane finished for her, so quietly that she was close to being inaudible; and it wasn't even a question, but a statement, so all Maura had to do was nod, and that was just what she did, knowing that she'd burst into tears the moment she opened her mouth again.

"I've been there", Jane broke the silence which had started to form after half a minute during which Maura just had tried to regain control over the urge to cry, "Hell, I still am there. If there's a week without a nightmare, I celebrate."

"I know", Maura replied, barely above a whisper; part of her wanted nothing more than to tell Jane everything, about the nightmares in greater detail and about her hallucinations, the doctor by now not even bothering anymore with calling them "visions", and about how dreadfully alone she had felt when the detective had been forced to cancel lunch.

Again though, she forced herself to remain quiet, reminding herself once more of how much her best friend was dealing with already in her life, telling herself that it would be selfish and rude to burden her with her own problems; and thus, she fell silent again, merely swallowing heavily as the tears still threatened to fall.

"I noticed a while ago", Jane surprised her after another minute had ticked by in silence, "but… Well, I wasn't sure if I should say anything, I mean, I know you work long hours, and I wasn't sure if that was causing those dark rings beneath your eyes. But when I dropped by at the morgue today…"

She fell silent, as if she had to search for the right words; and while she tried to find them, Maura's mind ran wild, trying to figure out if Jane had noticed that she'd been crying and what the detective would think of it.

"You looked as if you'd been crying", the taller woman confirmed her worst fears moments later, giving her a serious, but concerned look, "and I figured that something must be really upsetting you if you cry at work, so I decided it's time to ask."

Again, silence formed between them as Jane just kept looking at her, waiting for her to say something; not sure what she could say though, Maura just remained silent, once more feeling as socially awkward and unable to have a proper conversation which was not about at work as she so often had before the taller woman had entered her life.

"As I said, I've been there", Jane finally went on, when the silence became too heavy to bear, "if you want me to, I can stay here tonight. I know what helps, and maybe, just having someone else in the house will be enough to keep them away."

"I'd like that", Maura agreed at once, even though she knew that Jane wouldn't share her bed with her, but would sleep in her guestroom – the mere thought of having the detective close to her during the night was already helping to calm her down, and from the way Jane smiled at her in response, it was clear that she hadn't just made the offer to be polite.

"That's settled, then", she then stated, making the medical examiner nod, "and if you want to talk about those nightmares, or anything else bothering you, you know I'm always there, right?"

"I know", Maura replied, managing to sound a bit more confident and stronger this time, "thank you, Jane."

"Nothing to thank me for", Jane reassured her, then gestured at her plate, effortlessly changing the topic by asking the doctor if she still wanted to finish that; smiling slightly, but genuinely, Maura shook her head, and when Jane smiled back at her, for a minute, she could almost believe that everything would be okay.


	7. Chapter 7

_But you came _

_As the rainbow after rain_

_You brought me to life again_

_And I opened myself to you_

_So come, come to me, my saviour, tonight_

_So come, come to me and bring me the light_

_Dharma – Saviour_

Despite the serious topic they had discussed after dinner, the rest of the evening was pleasant, relaxing even; after Jane had made sure that none of the food still left on Maura's plate went to waste by eating it herself, they had gotten themselves fresh drinks, beer for the detective and wine for the doctor, and had moved to the couch, watching a light-hearted movie there, something Jane clearly had chosen for the entertainment value and the fact that nothing gruesome happened in it, avoiding to give any further fuel to her best friend's nightmares.

Thanks to the taller woman's efforts, Maura felt relaxed and tired when she retreated to her bedroom, after having made sure that the guestroom was ready for Jane; and for the first time in weeks, she was sure that she'd sleep peacefully that night, just the knowledge that the detective was merely a few doors away making her feel so much at ease that it was almost ridiculous.

_Don't get too dependent on her, _she told herself as she changed into her nightgown, _you can't expect her to sleep here every night now, just because you have bad dreams. Don't put any extra burdens on her, she's already dealing with so much…_

Sighing softly to herself, she carefully folded her clothes, placing them in the laundry basket afterwards; briefly, she smiled to herself as she thought of how Jane had made fun of her for that a while ago, telling her that other people just tossed the laundry in there and didn't bother with folding it first, the memory making her smile slightly – from anyone else, such words might have hurt, but coming from Jane, she had known them for what they were, playful teasing which meant no harm.

_You have no idea how much you mean to me, _she pondered as she looked at the wall to her left, knowing that the guestroom lay just a few rooms down the hall in this direction, _how much I love you and need you in my life…_

With another small sigh, she moved to the bed and laid down, taking another moment to hope that she had a night of peaceful sleep ahead her, free of nightmares; then, she closed her eyes and drifted off, falling asleep within minutes, the only noise in the room soon being her calm and slow breaths…

…and when she opened her eyes, they were there, Hoyt and Bianchi, standing left and right to her bed, looking down on her, the elder man smiling as he slowly turned the scalpel he was holding.

With a hoarse cry, she tried to sit up, only to find her wrists and ankles chained to the bedposts; Hoyt chuckled lowly while Bianchi just smiled, then bent over her, his breath hot and smelly on her face as he whispered into her ear.

"Think you can have her?" he asked, making her cringe as she tried to get away from his revolting breath, with no success though, her brain even now listing various possible reasons for his halitosis, "she's mine. And now, you are, too, you'll be mine forever…"

And just as he lowered his hand to touch her, Hoyt brought the scalpel down, as well, and it bit into her flesh, warm blood flowing down her leg moments later, and Maura did all that was left to her – she screamed, a bone-chilling cry of pure fear and anguish and pain, tears spilling from her eyes as she struggled against her bonds…

…and awoke to the bedroom door almost flying open, panic still prominent for a few more moments, until she recognized the silhouette as Jane, and had a second to realize that this time, she had managed to scream out loud, just before the detective realized that she was awake and had rushed to her side, pulling her into a tight embrace.

"It's okay, it's okay", she heard the taller woman mumble into her ear, sleepiness and the abrupt awakening making her voice even hoarser than usual, "a bad dream, just a dream, everything's okay…"

Not trusting herself to speak, all Maura did was cling to her in response, shivering in the other woman's arms; holding her close, Jane rubbed her back soothingly, mumbling calming and kind words into her ear in a seemingly endless stream, and even though, under other circumstances, Maura wouldn't have thought all too highly of the phrases and words her best friend used as she uttered reassurances into her ear, finding them to be overused and clichéd, they helped her immensely in this very moment, her racing heart slowly calming down, her breath returning to normal.

And then, she burst into tears, without even a hint of warning; one moment, she was calming down, and the next, the waterworks were on with full force, her sobs so great and harsh that she almost couldn't get them out, almost choked on them.

"Shht", she heard Jane whisper, not even words anymore now, but just a mindless noise, and still so much more helpful than she ever would have imagined, the taller woman's hand still moving over her back in tender circles, "it's okay… Just let it go. Let it out…"

Even if she had wanted to stop, despite what Jane was saying, Maura doubted that she could have; the tears and those horrible sobs seemed to come from so deep within her that it was as if a dam had broken, her chest aching from how harsh her crying was, and for a few horrible moments, it seemed as if it would never stop, if she'd just go on and on until something within her would break and send her fully over the edge.

Finally though, after what seemed like hours and hours of crying, even though she knew it just had been mere minutes, the flow of tears decreased, and the sobs grew less violent; but still Jane held her close, rubbing her back and murmuring into her ear, making sure that she really was as calm as she could get after this before she pulled back just enough to look at her, her face serious, but her voice kind when she asked her if she felt better.

"A little", Maura gave back, her voice still shaking, but not cracking; smiling a gentle smile at her, Jane moved one hand to her face in reply, wiping off her tears with a touch so tender that it made her heart clench up.

"Come on", the detective then mumbled, to the doctor's surprise and delight moving on the bed until she sat with her back against the headboard, "I'll stay here with you until you went back to sleep."

"Thank you", Maura gave back, momentarily feeling close to crying again as she moved to the taller woman's side and immediately was pulled into an embrace again, "this means a lot to me…"

"I know", Jane reassured her, gently kissing the top of her head afterwards; and then, just as she had promised, she held her, caressing her back tenderly yet again, her presence and soothing touch soon sending the doctor back to dreamland.


	8. Chapter 8

Author's Note: Wow, more than 60 followers – this must be my personal record :) Thank you all who are taking an interest in this.

_I've been searching for so long_

_For someone to lead the way_

_And I've been searching for someone_

_Someone to ease the pain_

_Evergrey – Madness caught Another Victim_

In the next morning, Maura awoke before the ringing of the alarm clock, but despite that, she felt well-rested and relaxed, for the first time in weeks, even though she had been awake and crying heavily in the middle of the night; and moments later, she realized why as she noticed that Jane was still with her, slumbering soundly next to her, her arms loosely encircling her, holding her in a tender embrace.

Realizing that she not yet had to get up, Maura allowed herself to sink into the embrace, enjoying how good it felt to be held by the detective, even though Jane most likely wasn't aware of it; for a while, she allowed herself to fantasize about how it would be to have the taller woman by her side every morning, and be greeted with a tender kiss, even though she knew how unlikely this ever was to happen, reminding herself of the fact that Jane was straight and not interested in her that way just before the alarm clock rang and tore the detective out of her sleep.

"Urgh", she let out a rather undignified noise, moving one of her arms from the medical examiner's waist to her eyes so she could rub at them sleepily; unable to help herself, Maura let out a small giggle at the adorable sight, prompting Jane to briefly freeze before she turned her head and looked at her best friend, seemingly only now realizing that her other arm was still holding the doctor.

"Oh", she stated after a few seconds had ticked by in silence, to Maura's relief not sounding dismayed or upset, but merely mildly surprised, "morning, Maur. Did I fall asleep here?"

"It seems to", Maura amiably gave back, the rational part of her brain noticing that, even though by now, Jane had noticed the position of her arm, she wasn't removing it, but kept it lying over her waist, and immediately trying to analyse possible reasons for this, "but I'm glad… I think you kept the nightmares away."

A second after the words had left her mouth, she wanted to bite her tongue, asking herself if she had said too much now; to her relief though, Jane merely smiled, then finally did pull her arm back and sat up, running both hands through her slightly tousled hair.

"You want the shower first?" she then asked, as if this was just another regular morning after a night she had spent at the Isles residence, as if she hadn't slept holding Maura close to her after the doctor had suffered from a complete and teary breakdown in her arms; and for that, Maura was grateful, telling herself that this normalcy was just what she needed after the previous night.

"Yes", she agreed after a moment, "I do need more time in the bathroom than you do."

"You know, there are people out there who might be offended if you said that to them", Jane smirked as she got out of bed, making Maura frown slightly as she tried to puzzle out why anyone would be offended by the mere stating of a fact, "but luckily, I'm not one of them. Go have a shower, I'll make coffee in the meantime."

Giving up on trying to figure out how her comment might be seen as offensive, Maura nodded as she got out of bed as well; Jane gave her another smile, then left the bedroom, the doctor looking after her for a moment before she headed to the bathroom, her thoughts returning to the moment she had woken up while she stripped out of her nightgown and stepped into the shower.

Now that she was alone, she allowed a blissful smile to curl her lips as she thought back to that wonderful moment, remembering how good it had felt to have Jane's arms around her, holding her, protecting her; again, she imagined how it would feel to be kissed by the dark-haired woman after waking up, then shook her head to herself and pushed those thoughts aside, telling herself that it wouldn't happen and that she shouldn't dwell on it.

Then, she remembered how Jane had smiled at her after she had told her that she had kept the nightmares away, and how she had kept holding her even after noticing how close they had been during their sleep; momentarily, she asked herself if perhaps, Jane felt more for her than she thought, telling herself that surely, best friends didn't quite behave that way – before she shook her head yet again and told herself not to be stupid and waste her time on such wishful thinking.

_Because that's what it is, _she then thought as she started washing down, a bit faster than usual as she had realized that she had spent several minutes pondering Jane and the events of the morning, _wishful thinking, and nothing more. You, of all people, should know that those in unrequited love tend to overanalyse and read too much into every little gesture and facial expression._

Holding back a heavy sigh, she took hold of her shampoo, leaning her head back to avoid getting any into her eyes as she started washing her hair; and again, her thoughts drifted, despite her best intentions, now moving to yet another fantasy she'd been having the last few weeks, namely sharing the shower with Jane, feeling the detective's calloused, but surely gentle hands as they washed her body and her hair, and how the taller woman would react once she'd return the favour…

_Oh, for the love of… Stop it! _she then snapped herself out of it, forcing herself to open her eyes again; eager to keep her mind busy, she began to mentally recite Pi, focusing all her brainpower on the numbers while she rinsed the shampoo out of her hair.

Somehow, thanks to the little mental exercise, she managed to keep her thoughts away from Jane in the shower with her until she had finished and stepped outside, quickly drying off before she pulled on her robe; and then, she paused in front of the mirror and just looked at her reflection, once again realizing how lucky she was to have a friend like Jane in her life – and that there was no way she could risk losing this friendship by telling the detective what she really felt for her.


	9. Chapter 9

_Lie back and dream of me_

_Red death to set you free_

_We turn the screws to make you die_

_Soft flesh and razor blades_

_Golgotha, ace of spades_

_Steel needles kiss your pretty eyes_

_All mine, all mine_

_Nightmare_

_The Dreamtime_

_Motörhead – Nightmare / The Dreamtime_

After both Jane and Maura had finished their morning hygiene, they sat in the kitchen, having breakfast in comfortable silence; the whole time though, Maura knew what question Jane would ask her sooner or later, and by the time the detective finally did, she was almost relieved, as it took some of the tension which had been on her away.

"So", Jane started, putting down the piece of toast and focusing on the doctor, almost mesmerizing her with her dark eyes, "I know you won't be happy about this question, but… What are your nightmares about?"

"I'm not sure I should tell you", Maura gave back after a moment's hesitation, swallowing heavily, her gaze moving to her plate and focusing on the toast with butter and jam which laid on it, "to tell the truth, I have been thinking of speaking to you about them, but… Jane, there is so much to deal with in your life already, I don't want to add my own problems to yours…"

"Maura", Jane gave back in a stern tone, momentarily startling the doctor – before her expression softened as she reached over the table and grasped both of Maura's hands, holding them tenderly and giving the medical examiner a good look at her scars, something she hardly ever did with anyone else, "don't you ever think that you can't tell me about something bothering you, you hear? You can always talk to me, always, about everything."

Now that she heard what deep inside she had known the whole time, Maura felt foolish and even ungrateful; swallowing heavily, she told herself that she wouldn't cry, not again, that now, it was time to be strong and to tell Jane what exactly she dreamt of night after night, until she woke up in a cold sweat and screaming.

"I should have known", she almost whispered, glancing down on Jane's hands covering her own, the detective's thumbs gently caressing the back of her hands, "I'm… I'm sorry, I should have talked to you sooner, instead of waking you up with my screams, perhaps it would have helped…"

"You can tell me now", Jane reassured her in response, clearly not as upset by this lack of faith in her mental strength as Maura herself was, "I'm listening."

In response, Maura swallowed heavily, then forced herself to look up at the detective again, their eyes meeting; the medical examiner took in a few more deep breaths before she finally replied, her voice so low that Jane had to strain her ears so she wouldn't miss anything.

"I dream of those who hurt you, or us", the doctor told her, her gaze fixed on her plate again, the food that still laid on it now not very appetizing to her anymore, "of… Paddy Doyle, and Hoyt, and Bianchi…"

Briefly, she felt Jane's hands tighten on hers, an involuntary reaction to the name of the man who had given her the scars; the detective didn't say anything though, but merely waited for her to speak on, something she did after taking another deep breath in an effort to keep her composure.

"Last night", she started again, her eyes now fixing on the taller woman's hands, "when I woke you up, I… I was dreaming of Bianchi and Hoyt, both of them, Bianchi was talking about how… how you are his, and that I am his now, too, and then Hoyt cut me…"

"Jesus", Jane gave back when Maura had fallen silent and hadn't said anything for almost a minute, making it clear that she wasn't willing to speak on, "Maura, that's… That's awful, are all your dreams like that? Jesus, you should have told me sooner…"

"Variations of that theme", the doctor let her know, swallowing heavily yet again, still feeling close to tears, "sometimes, it's just Hoyt, or just Bianchi… Or Paddy shooting you before you shot him, and then Hoyt's there and laughing… I don't remember them all, and I don't want to."

"Can't blame you", Jane muttered, then surprised the medical examiner by letting go of her hands, getting up from her seat and moving around the table, lowering herself into a crouch next to Maura's chair before she hugged her, the smaller woman stiffening for a moment – before she returned the embrace and buried her face in the detective's shoulder, a shaky breath escaping her.

"It'll be okay", Jane murmured into her ear, yet another phrase Maura would have discounted as clichéd and useless under different circumstances, but one she needed to hear so much right now, "we'll figure out how to make those nightmares stop. Jesus, Maura, you really should have told me earlier, it's not right that you tried to deal with this on your own…"

"I know", Maura gave back, her voice muffled by the taller woman's shirt, but still audible to her, "I know that now…"

For a moment, she was so close to telling her about the visions, the hallucinations she'd had of Hoyt and Bianchi; then, she forced herself to remain quiet about them, not wanting to upset and worry Jane even more, telling herself that she had revealed enough for one day and that she could tell the detective about those disconcerting instances at another time.

"You'll be okay", Jane now repeated, distracting her from those ponderings, "I'll do anything I can to help you with this, alright? We'll figure something out, and if I have to move in here with you until the nightmares stop. I promise."

"Thank you", Maura replied with a weak smile, finally looking up at her best friend again; the thought of Jane moving in with her thrilled her more than it should, even though the detective had made the offer for all the wrong reasons. "Maybe… if you could stay here just a few more nights…"

"As long as you want and need me to", Jane promised in response, earning another, slightly stronger smile from the doctor; and then, Maura almost slumped into her embrace again, and Jane just held her, rubbing her back soothingly just like she had the night before, giving her all the comfort she could give, her mind racing as she tried to figure out how to help her best friend through this.


	10. Chapter 10

_Born to flee, and we're born to fight_

_Without your mask, you're terrified_

_Don't hide your personality_

_That's who you are, your identity_

_Epica – Semblance of Liberty_

"Alright", Jane stated an hour later, giving Maura a strict look as she killed the engine, "the moment you need anything, you call me, and I'll come rushing to the morgue, okay? And I'll pick you up for lunch."

"I'll be fine, Jane", Maura gave back, touched by the obvious concern of the taller woman; during the drive to the precinct, apparently, Jane's need to protect her, to be there for her, had picked up speed, the detective now giving her yet another strict glance.

"But in case you aren't", she then replied, briefly reaching over and touching her hand, the tender gesture a sharp contrast to her stern tone of voice, "you call me. Immediately. You hear me?"

"Yes", Maura promised her, knowing that Jane wouldn't give in until she had agreed, "I will, I promise. But I'll be fine, work distracts me and keeps my mind busy. Don't worry so much, Jane, you have a case to focus on…"

"I know", Jane gave back, once more touching her hand tenderly, "but you're more important than any case could ever be. So call me if anything… happens, alright?"

"I will", the doctor reassured her once more, a sudden lump in her throat making it hard for her to get the words out – the detective had said the words about the importance she had to her with ease, but still, they had made her heart clench up as she asked herself if Jane had an idea what she was doing to her by saying such heartwarming things to her.

"Good then", the taller woman now spoke up again, either not having noticed Maura's brief turmoil or not letting it show, "I'll see you at lunch then."

"I'm looking forward to it", Maura gave back, making Jane smile at her, a brief, but genuine and warm smile; she almost automatically smiled back, then their ways parted as Maura headed for the morgue while Jane made her way upstairs to the bullpen.

Only when she entered the morgue, Maura realized that she had forgotten to ask Jane for something rather important, namely to keep her troubles to herself and to not tell anyone about them; briefly, she considered calling or texting the detective, then decided against it, telling herself that surely, Jane would know that she didn't want anyone else to know about what was wrong without her pointing it out.

"Dr Isles?" the voice of one of the lab techs distracted her from those thoughts, startling her enough to make her flinch; not sure if he had noticed or not, she turned to look at the young man, raising an eyebrow at him questioningly, and he smiled at her, appearing slightly nervous, prompting her to remember that he had started not all too long ago and clearly wasn't used to her sometimes peculiar personality yet.

"I got the report you asked for", he let her know, holding up the folder as if to underline his words, "about that one case?"

"Oh, yes", Maura realized what he was talking about at last, making herself smile at him in an attempt to calm him down a bit, "thank you. Just put it on my desk, please, a detective will pick it up later on."

Nodding, he did as she had told him to, then mumbled something about having to go back to work; nodding as well, she frowned as she watched him go, asking herself if everyone had acted around her like that when they had started working with her, and what this said about her.

_Well, Jane surely didn't, _she then pondered as she leafed through the report the tech had left with her, a weak smile curling her lips as she thought back to the first case she had worked with the detective, remembering well how rude and uncouth the taller woman at first had seemed to her.

_She kept asking me to guess, and it was driving me nuts, _the medical examiner remembered, her smile widening; after all, Jane still tried to make her guess on occasion, but it wasn't driving her as crazy anymore as it had back then, at their first case together.

_And then she'd just randomly come to the morgue when I was right in the middle of autopsy and started asking me a million questions about the victim, _her mind continued the recollection, forcing her to hold back a giggle since she didn't want anyone to walk in on her and find her laughing to herself, for no apparent reason, _she was the first detective ever to do this. The ones I worked with before usually just waited until I got done with the report or called them and asked them to come to the morgue…_

This, she realized, was when their friendship had started, this first case they had been working on together, had solved together; they often had had lunch together during said case, and Jane had shown up in the morgue several times not just with questions, but with coffee and donuts, a gesture which had confused the medical examiner at first, since no other detective ever had done this for her before.

_She made this so much easier for me, _Maura pondered, now staring into nothingness as she was lost in her memories, remembering all too well how terrified she had been during the first few weeks on the job, afraid of messing up, of making some dreadful mistake, of alienating all the detectives and cops so much that none of them would want to work with her anymore after just a few months.

If Jane hadn't been there, she had to admit to herself, this horror scenario might just as well have come true; it hadn't taken long until a lot of people had started calling her Queen of the Dead when they thought she wasn't listening, or simply hadn't cared if she had heard, and it had been Jane who had put a stop to this, not even by saying anything, but simply by glaring at anyone who dared to speak those words until they'd shut up and look away.

_I never properly thanked her for that, _Maura thought to herself as she put the report down again at last, figuring that it would do, _and now, she's doing so much for me, too, she's always been there for me, no matter what…_

Smiling slightly to herself again, she decided that she would thank her properly, as soon as possible; ideas already were forming in her mind about how exactly she'd do that, and for the first time since the nightmares had started, she wasn't thinking about them for even a second as she began her daily work, all her troubles at least for the moment forgotten.


	11. Chapter 11

_Born into darkness_

_No more daytime – only night_

_No hope for tomorrow_

_Your sun has burned out of sight_

_It's always calm before the storm…_

_Sacred Oath – Calm Before the Storm_

"I'll be so glad when we finally catch this guy", Jane grumbled hours later, falling down onto the couch; at the kitchen counter, Maura gave her a sympathetic look, then nodded, even though the detective couldn't see the gesture, sitting with her back to her, sympathy in her voice as well when she replied. "I imagine. This case is really hard to crack, isn't it?"

"Say that again", Jane sighed, leaning back into the couch as she ran both hands through her hair and glared up at the ceiling, as if something up there could be blamed for the lack of progress, "I don't need to tell you how good he is at hiding his traces, you did the autopsies."

"Yes", Maura nodded, opening the fridge and getting a bottle of beer out of it, knowing that this was just what Jane would want now; and the moment she opened it with the tell-tale hissing sound, the detective was turning on the couch, her eyes lighting up at the sight of the bottle in the doctor's hand.

"You're the best", she declared as she got up and made her way to where Maura was standing, not wanting to end up being served the beer, taking it from her hand instead, "thank you. Just what I need."

"I know", Maura gave back with a small wink, watching how Jane took a long drag of the cold beer; with a happy sigh, the taller woman then leaned against the counter, crossing her arms over her chest, somehow managing to not drop the beer bottle while she was doing this, and gave her a questioning look, her voice low and kind when she asked her how she had been doing during the day.

"Fine, I suppose", the medical examiner let her know, asking herself if she'd have to answer this question daily from now on, at least until the nightmares would stop, "as I told you in the morning, work distracts me and keeps my mind occupied."

Momentarily, she almost added that she hadn't had any hallucinations that day, either, but bit her tongue the last moment – after all, Jane didn't know about this yet, and she wasn't sure yet if she ever wanted her to know.

"Good", Jane nodded, "that's good… You know, that always helped me too when it got particularly bad. After I killed Hoyt, I think keeping myself busy with work was the only thing which kept me from just snapping or something. Work, and spending time with the people important and close to me…"

"Which is why I am so glad that you are willing to stay here with me for a while", Maura pointed out in response, earning yet another smile from the detective, one so caring and warm that it made her heart clench up – before Jane put the bottle aside and moved closer to her, grasping both her hands in her own and holding them tenderly, making sure to hold her gaze as she replied.

"Not just for a while, Maura", she gently corrected, her thumbs yet again caressing the doctor's hands, sending shivers up and down her spine, "for as long as you need me to. No matter how long, okay?"

_Move in with me then, _Maura thought to herself, but didn't say out loud, merely smiling slightly and nodding; Jane smiled back at her, then let go of her hands again, making a vague gesture at the couch afterwards and asking the doctor if she was up to some hanging around, some calm, relaxing time after another tiring day.

"Sure", Maura agreed at once, "just let me get something to drink and I'll be right there with you in a minute."

Nodding, Jane snatched up her beer again, then moved back to the couch, getting comfortable before she switched on the TV; and while she was still zapping through the channels in search for something interesting to watch, Maura joined her, sitting down next to her, closer than it would have been necessary, considering how big the couch was, but if Jane had noticed, she made no comment about.

"I can't find anything interesting", she complained after going through the channels in silence for a while, handing the remote over to Maura, "you take a look. Maybe there's one of those gross documentaries you like."

"They are not gross, Jane", Maura chided, in the same tone of voice she used to remind her best friend of the fact that Bass was a tortoise and not a turtle, "they are educational and interesting."

"The last time you made me watch one of those", Jane immediately argued back, "they cut open some random guy's tummy and showed all his intestines. How is this not gross?"

"It's anatomy", Maura gave back, unimpressed by the huff the detective let out, "that's what we all look like on the inside."

"I know", the taller woman replied with a roll of her eyes, "I've been there often enough while you were doing autopsies, remember?"

"I do", Maura gave back, sincerity taking over again as this was just what she had been pondering during the workday, a slight smile curling her lips again moments later.

"This was just what I was thinking of this morning", she let Jane know, scooting ever closer to her on the couch, a jolt running through her when the detective put one arm around her shoulders, forcing her to remind herself of the fact that this was just a friendly gesture without any romantic background, "how you are one of the few detectives who's actually there while I do the autopsy. And how much you helped me after I started there…"

"Helped you?" Jane repeated, raising an eyebrow, "really? To be honest, at first, I thought you can't stand me."

"I thought you are rude and uncouth", Maura confirmed, in her sometimes quite blunt way, earning a snort from the taller woman, "but it didn't take me long to realize that, beneath all the rudeness and tough exterior, you're a good person, warm and caring, loyal to your friends and colleagues."

"Wow", Jane gave back after just staring at her in silence for a minute, clearly not having expected this, "well… Thank you. If it makes you feel better, at first, I thought you're a stuck up and annoying know-it-all who uses every chance given to show off her knowledge, but then, when I got to know you, I figured it's just part of your personality and has nothing to do with showing off. And that you're not stuck-up at all, but just as warm and caring as you claim I am."

"That does make me feel better", Maura let her know, smiling and snuggling up to her, her smile widening when she felt how Jane started to caress her shoulder and upper arm, "you're the first real friend I've ever had, you mean so much to me…"

She forced herself to fall silent before she could say too much, reveal what she really felt for the detective; in response, Jane at the same time startled and delighted her by bending her head and pressing a tender kiss to the top of her head, her voice down to a low rumble when she spoke up again moments later. "You mean much to me, too, Maura… I couldn't do this without you."

Smiling, Maura briefly closed her eyes as those words warmed her heart, sinking even further against the taller woman's body; and to her immense happiness, Jane kept on holding her, tenderly caressing her arm, then moving her hand to her hair, making her feel as safe and secure as no one else had for a long, long time.


	12. Chapter 12

_How can I sleep?_

_When I don't know whether I live or dream?_

_And how can I weep?_

_When I don't know if the pain I feel is real_

_Sirenia – The Fall Within_

When it was time for the two women to go to sleep, all Maura wanted to do was to ask Jane if she could share the bed with her again, keeping the nightmares away; despite the heartwarming confessions and how close they felt though, she didn't dare to do so, not wanting to overwhelm the detective with her needs and wishes.

"So", Jane spoke up after they had climbed the stairs side by side, stopping at their top and looking at the smaller woman, "you want me to stay in the guestroom again, or in your bedroom?"

"Um", Maura let out in response, giving the taller woman a startled look – this request had come so unexpectedly that at first, she was convinced that she had heard wrong, only realizing that she hadn't when Jane looked slightly alarmed at her lack of proper response.

"I didn't mean to be intrusive or something", the detective told her, raising both hands as if to underline her statement, "I just thought, since you said I kept the nightmares away, maybe…"

"Yes", the doctor interrupted her, finally regaining her ability to speak, "I'd prefer if it you'd stay in my bedroom, if you don't mind, of course…"

"If I'd mind, I wouldn't have made the offer", Jane pointed out, quite reasonably, Maura had to admit, "and why would I? You're my best friend."

The joy of sharing her bed with Jane in the very immediate future was diminished a bit by those words, as they reminded the doctor once more of the fact that Jane merely saw her as a friend; still, she smiled, feeling warmth course through her when the taller woman immediately smiled back, then made a vague gesture at the hallway leading to her bedroom.

"So", she then said, "shall we get some sleep, then? We might have another long day ahead of us tomorrow."

"Sure", Maura agreed at once, her heart fluttering again at the thought of sleeping in the same bed with Jane, even though they had done this several times before; all at once, she found herself thinking back to the very first time this had happened, shortly after Hoyt had been on the loose again and Jane had shown up at her doorstep, shaken up and terrified by the prospect of the deranged man coming after her once more.

_Are we having a sleepover, or is this your way of telling me you're attracted to me?_

Already back then, Maura now admitted to herself, she _had _been attracted to Jane, even though she hadn't been willing to face this fact back then, telling herself that it was merely friendship she felt for the detective, and that the fact that Jane was the first real friend she'd ever had was making it difficult for her to differ between friendship and romantic attraction.

"I hope we'll get some break in the case tomorrow", Jane sighed, distracting her from her thoughts, as they entered the bedroom together; there, the detective started to strip down, clearly not minding the fact that Maura was in the room with her, and since she didn't want to abuse that trust, Maura forced herself not to ogle her, but to focus on changing into her own nightwear, even though she couldn't keep herself from taking at least one little glance.

To her relief, Jane didn't notice, since she had looked right in the second the detective was pulling the oversized shirt she wore to sleep over her head; Maura had a moment to see the scar where she had shot through herself years ago, then the fabric fell over it, covering it, and she quickly averted her eyes, not wanting to be caught looking at the taller woman's body.

_Can't deny that she's physically very attractive, _she pondered as she slipped into her nightgown, ignoring how Jane raised an eyebrow in amusement at the sight, the detective clearly not getting why anyone would wear something as fancy-looking as said gown to bed, _but it's her personality which makes her even more beautiful… I wonder if she knows this._

The fact that Jane was getting into bed once more tore her out of her ponderings, and she hurried to join her best friend; momentarily, she felt awkward as they laid side by side, wanting to snuggle closer to her, but not daring to, not sure how Jane would react to her attempts to cuddle with her.

"Wake me up the moment you need anything, or have a bad dream", Jane told her, to her dismay not making any move of being physically closer to her, even though all she wanted was to be held in those slim, but strong arms, "alright?"

"I will", Maura promised her, making her smile slightly before she reached over and placed a tender hand on the doctor's arm, sending shivers up and down her spine again; giving her best to hide how this gentle touch was making her feel, Maura smiled back at her, then switched off the small lamp on her nightstand, darkness filling the room seconds later.

"Sleep well", the detective murmured, already sounding as if she was close to falling asleep; Maura wished her the same, and not even two minutes later, Jane's slow and even breathing showed that she had fallen asleep, her hand still resting on the other woman's arm as she slumbered soundly.

Staring up at the ceiling, Maura envied her for how fast she had gone to sleep; ever since the nightmares had started, drifting off into dreamland had become increasingly difficult, and to her dismay, it obviously didn't help that Jane was by her side now. Holding back the urge to let out a sigh, she shifted slightly on the bed in an attempt to get more comfortable, without making Jane's hand slide off her arm; where the taller woman was touching her, her skin was tingling and warm, and she focused on those pleasant sensations as she tried to fall asleep, as well, telling herself that surely, Jane would keep the nightmares away, as she had promised, and that there was nothing to be afraid of.

Once again, she fought down the need to snuggle up to her friend, not wanting to wake her up and maybe cause irritation with her need for close physical contact; instead, she moved her hand to rest on Jane's, then closed her eyes and tried to fall asleep, not knowing how many hours she had laid there by the time she finally succeeded.


	13. Chapter 13

_Can you still see the heart of me?_

_All my agony fades away_

_When you hold me in your embrace_

_Don't tear me down for all I need_

_Make my heart a better place_

_Give me something I can believe_

_Within Temptation – All I Need_

This time, at least, she didn't wake up screaming, Maura told herself as her eyes flew open in the darkness and her breath got caught in her throat; she bit down on her tongue to keep the cry which wanted to escape her inside, squeezing her eyes shut as she breathed so heavily she was almost panting.

Next to her, Jane was still slumbering soundly, blissfully unaware of the nightmare her best friend just had woken up from; feeling cold sweat dry on her face, Maura remembered what the detective had told her, about how she should wake her up in case she needed anything, and she briefly closed her eyes again as she asked herself if she really should tear Jane out of her sleep now, with the nightmare over.

Deciding that before she'd figure out if she wanted to wake Jane up or not, she had to get her thoughts in order, Maura carefully climbed out of bed, giving her best to not disturb the detective's sleep; once she stood next to the bed, she waited half a minute to make sure the taller woman still was fast asleep, then moved on into the adjoining bathroom, closing the door before she switched on the light, a dismayed huff escaping her as her gaze fell on her reflection in the mirror.

The dark rings beneath her eyes formed a stark contrast to her pale skin, and the fact that her eyes were reddened, as if she had been crying, didn't exactly help to make her look healthier; her critical gaze told her that she looked like someone who just had gotten over a dreadful illness and was still in recovery, prompting her to wonder how much make-up she would need to cover those dark rings yet again in the next morning.

Sighing to herself, now that there was a closed door behind her and the sleeping Jane, Maura turned on the cold water, letting it run for half a minute before she bent over the washbasin to splash some into her face; and as she straightened up again and her gaze found the mirror once more, Hoyt stood behind her, smiling as he held up his scalpel, his smile only widening when she let out a shriek and twirled around, one of her hands hitting a few of the bottles of lotion and creams standing on the basin and sending them flying to the floor with a tremendous clatter.

"Maura?" she heard Jane call out not even half a minute later, the detective's footsteps approaching the bathroom, the taller woman clearly having seen the light through the crack between door and floor, "are you in there? Are you okay?"

"…in here", Maura brought out after a few moments of heavy breathing, her heart racing in her chest so fast that it hurt, morbidly causing her to wonder if she was about to have a heart attack; then, the door opened and Jane was there, wrapping both arms around her and holding her, rubbing her back soothingly, a shuddery breath escaping her as she clung to the taller woman.

"It's okay, it's okay", she heard Jane murmur into her ear, forcing her to fight back tears as she didn't want to suffer through yet another breakdown in front of her, "whatever it was, it was just a bad dream…"

"No", Maura whispered in reply, her inability to lie and the fact that the hallucinations just had happened again making it impossible for her to say anything else than the cold, hard truth, "it wasn't a dream, not right now…"

"What?" Jane gave back, surprisingly coherent, considering she just had been woken up a few minutes ago, "what do you mean, not right now?"

"I had a nightmare", Maura gave back, her voice still barely above a whisper, her gaze focused on the floor as she suddenly found it hard to look Jane in the eye, "at first, it woke me up and I… I went in here to calm down a bit… I bent over the washbasin and when I straightened up again, Hoyt was there, in the mirror, standing behind me and smiling."

For a while, Jane said nothing, just kept on holding her, her hands still rubbing her back tenderly; and just when Maura started to get nervous, asking herself if she had revealed too much now and if this was too much for the detective to handle, she finally did say something, her voice surprisingly calm and controlled. "Was this the first time this happened? That you… saw him?"

"…no", the doctor gave back after the briefest pause, closing her eyes again when she felt Jane's embrace tighten around her, "it wasn't… It happened before, with him and with Bianchi…"

"You should have told me", Jane let her know, a mild hint of reproach in her voice now, "Maura, this… this is serious…"

"I know", Maura whispered, swallowing heavily, still fighting hard against the tears which still were threatening to at first fill her eyes and then run down her cheeks, "but… I was so afraid of how you might react, and there's so much going on in your life already, the last thing you need is dealing with your best friend going mentally unstable. Studies show that…"

"I don't care what studies show", Jane interrupted her before she could go fully into Googlemouth mode, "you're my best friend, and you mean so much to me... You've always been there for me, whenever I needed someone to be stronger than me, and now it's my turn."

"I don't know what to do about this", the words nearly burst out of Maura's mouth in response, a tremble running through her, "the logical answer would be to seek out a therapist, to get help in dealing with this, but if it becomes known at the precinct that I'm seeing a therapist, it might jeopardize my credibility and my job…"

"No one has to know", Jane shrugged, "if you tell no one else. You know I'll keep my mouth shut, right?"

"I don't doubt that for a second", Maura reassured her, "but it still could come out, you know how these things often happen…"

"Let's not worry about this now", the detective gave back, gently beginning to steer her back to the bedroom, "we can talk more about this tomorrow… For now, we should get some more rest, alright?"

Nodding her agreement, Maura let it happen that Jane more or less led her back into the bedroom; there, they both laid down again, and second after her head had touched the pillow, the doctor found herself being taken into yet another tender embrace, her breath hitching in her throat at how unexpected and delightful this was.

"You'll be okay", Jane whispered to her as she pulled her closer, moving one hand to caress her hair tenderly, "we'll figure something out and you'll be okay. I promise."

And as she laid there in the detective's arms, snuggled up against her, with her head resting on the taller woman's shoulder, Maura found herself able to believe her, closing her eyes as she took in a deep breath and inhaled Jane's scent, the detective's tender caress sending her off into dreamland just a few minutes later, with her heart and mind at ease.


	14. Chapter 14

_Come set me free_

_The ground's cracking open under my feet_

_I'm falling down an abyss of disbelief_

_Now madness is opening its arms_

_Splitting my thoughts in two parts_

_Come set me free_

_Delight – Set Me Free_

In the next morning, Jane was the first one to wake up for once, Maura still slumbering soundly next to her, despite the beeping of the alarm clock; reaching over, the detective hurriedly switched it off, then just studied her friend in silence for a few moments, thinking about what Maura had told her the previous night.

Just as she had told the doctor, she knew that this was serious, that such hallucinations could not be taken lightly; to her dismay though, she had no idea _how _serious exactly this might be, now cursing her lack of knowledge about psychology, wishing that she'd have all the answers for Maura, the way Maura usually had them for her.

Then, the smaller woman stirred slightly, her staring clearly being enough to tear her out of a sleep which had been uneasy enough to begin with; and moments later, Maura opened her eyes, meeting Jane's, to the detective's surprise and delight managing a small smile despite the tiredness and exhaustion she could see on the medical examiner's face.

"Good morning", Maura mumbled, turning slightly so she could prop her head up on one hand, prompting Jane to smile back at her as she wished her the same; for a few more moments, there was silence, then the taller woman spoke on, sounding concerned when she asked if perhaps, it might be wise to call in sick for the day.

"No", Maura gave back at once, not really surprising her best friend, "there's too much to be done, I can't afford to stay at home… and I don't want anyone to notice that something's wrong."

"Alright", Jane sighed, knowing that the doctor wouldn't give in anyway, no matter what she'd say now, "fine. But promise me you'll think about what I said about therapy, okay?"

"I will", the other woman reassured her, then got out of bed, letting her know that she'd go and have a shower; nodding, Jane watched her make her way into the adjoining bathroom, a heavy sigh escaping her the moment the door had closed behind the smaller woman.

Not sure what she could say to show Maura how necessary it was to at least try talking to a therapist, she remained where she was a bit longer, staring up at the ceiling, her thoughts circling around those new developments; then, she pushed those thoughts aside and told her that she had to give Maura time for now, reminding herself of the fact that it had been hard enough for the medical examiner to reveal the truth about her mental state and that she wouldn't help her by pushing her.

"It'll be okay", she whispered to herself, needing to hear those words out loud, even if they were said in her own voice, "it has to be okay…"

She threw another uneasy look at the bathroom door, then finally got out of bed and stretched; and then, she called out to Maura that she'd get breakfast started and made her way downstairs, telling herself that now, a semblance of normality and routine was just what the medical examiner needed and that she'd do everything in her power to give her exactly that.

* * *

Hours later, Maura was alone in the morgue yet again, all the techs busy in their labs, the detectives either up in the bullpen or out there, working to solve their cases; and to her relief, she had gotten most of her daily work done, thus having a few minutes she could spare to think about what Jane had suggested in the middle of the night.

The idea of seeing a therapist still didn't appeal to her all too much, but on the other hand, she now had to admit to herself that Jane had been right and that this was, indeed, serious; so far, she had been able to just ignore the alarm bells the hallucinations had set off in her mind, but now, with someone else knowing about them, it was impossible to do so much longer.

Still, the thought of someone besides Jane finding out about her going to therapy terrified her, a number of unpleasant scenarios coming up in her mind as she couldn't help, but just had to ask herself how this might affect her career; her chest tightened all at once, making it hard for her to breathe, a shiver running up and down her spine before she felt dreadfully hot, prompting her to ask herself if she was close to a circulatory collapse.

"Dr Isles!" a rather harsh voice interrupted that thought, making her flinch in her chair before she forced herself to look at the one who had entered her office unnoticed; she immediately recognized him as one of the detectives of homicide, but for a dreadful moment, could neither place his name, nor the case he was working on, a hint of relief filling her when the information popped up in her brain moments later.

"Yes, Detective Carter?" she inquired, giving her best to sound calm and polite, not wanting him to notice that she was upset and startled and not feeling well at all, "how can I help you?"

"Where's my damn report", he almost snarled at her in reply, reminding her of why exactly he was quite infamous for his bad temper; on a normal day, she just would have shrugged his behaviour off, but after that dreadful night and the dark thoughts in her mind, it was the last thing she needed, and she felt how her palms became sweaty and clammy as she fought to hold his gaze.

"I don't know", she told him, fighting hard to keep her voice steady, "perhaps you should ask Senior Criminalist Chang. As far as I know, she's still working on it."

"I don't wanna talk to senior criminalist Chang", Carter gave back, almost spitting out the words, his face reddening with fury, "it's your goddamn job to get me the damned answers I need to solve this damned case, you hear me?!"

"I do hear you", Maura let him know, torn between yelling back at him and breaking down in tears, telling herself that she wouldn't cry in front of this man, that she refused to give him the satisfaction – she wouldn't be the first woman he'd driven to tears, if the stories were true, but still, she didn't want to end up on his success list, "and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't yell at me. I'll gladly inquire for you if…"

"I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't yell at me", he mimicked her in a high-pitched, ridiculous voice, "listen to me, Queen of the Dead, I'll yell at you as much as I want as long as this guy is still out there and I can't catch him because you and your little flunkies in there don't get going!"

Him referring to her as Queen of the Dead did what all his yelling hadn't done, her hands beginning to tremble, forcing her to clutch the edge of her table so he wouldn't see; hot tears filled her eyes as she imagined how this would happen to her day after day, should anyone else find out what was wrong with her, and that she might be called much worse names than that, that no one would take her seriously anymore and either treat her with kid gloves or with the same contempt Carter was displaying.

And before she could stop it, the tears started to roll down her cheeks, hot and salty, a chocked sob escaping her despite her best tries to hold it back; and despite how much her tears blurred her sight, she saw the disgusted look on Carter's face, the same emotion in his voice when he said something, even though she couldn't understand the words, the chaos in her mind keeping her from making sense of what he was saying.

_Jane, _her brain nearly yelled at her, _Jane, I need Jane, now, she'll keep him away from me, she'll keep me safe, Jane, please come, I need you, please…_

"Carter!" the deep and hoarse voice snapped, so unexpected, but so welcome that for a second, Maura was sure that she was hallucinating again, that her desperation for Jane to appear and save her from this man had pushed her over the edge yet again; and then, the detective had moved to stand between the taller man and her, glaring up at him, her voice full of anger as she went on.

"Get the Hell out of here", she snapped, crossing her arms over her chest when he looked as if he wanted to protest, "now! Or I swear to God, I'll be up at Internal Affairs within two minutes and tell them you're toeing the line yet again, and you know what will happen then!"

For a few more moments, Carter looked as if he wanted to talk back, maybe yell at her; and then, he let out a snort and, after a last contemptuous look at Maura, turned and left without another word while Jane hurried around the desk so she could pull the medical examiner into a tight embrace, holding her close and rubbing her back yet again, closing her eyes as Maura clung to her and let out one heart-wrenching sob after the other, sounding as if she never would manage to calm down again.


	15. Chapter 15

_Stand with me, I will carry out your sorrow_

_Stand with me, I will make your way through shadow_

_Don't ask me why_

_Adagio – The Astral Pathway_

"I'm taking Maura home", Jane was telling Frost through her cell phone, keeping her other hand on the medical examiner's arm as she led her down the hallway to the doors leading to the garage, "she's not feeling well. Call me in case there's a new development."

Still sniffling softly next to her, Maura kept her head down, not wanting anyone to see her red and puffy eyes, realize that she had been crying and ask her what was wrong; so far, they hadn't met anyone on the way to the garage, but she knew that this luck might run out any second, and the last thing she needed now was a concerned tech trying to find out what was bothering her.

"Come on", Jane told her in a gentle and kind voice, almost making her cry all over again, "my car's over there… I'll take you home and make you some nice tea, or perhaps a nice whiskey, and then we can figure out what to do now."

"Jane, no", the doctor protested feebly, giving her an unhappy look, "the case, you have to…"

"I have to take care of my best friend", the detective interrupted her, giving her a look which made it clear that she wouldn't listen to any protest, "Frost and Korsak can handle the case for now. It's not like there's much development anyway."

"I'm sorry", Maura whispered in reply as the two reached the car and Jane opened the passenger door seat for her, her gaze on the ground as she got into the vehicle, "I shouldn't be so bothersome…"

"You are not bothersome", Jane gave back at once as she took the driver's seat and put on her seatbelt, prompting Maura to do the same, "don't you ever think that. You're my best friend, and this is what friends are here for, alright?"

"But the case", Maura tried that angle yet again, only to shrink into the seat when the only response she got was a hard look from Jane; the detective held her gaze a moment longer, then started the engine and gruffly told her not to worry about it.

Giving in, the medical examiner sank into the seat and just looked out the window in silence; next to her, Jane was focusing on driving more than necessary, frowning slightly to herself as she glanced at the doctor every now and then, her concern for the other woman all over her face.

To Maura's relief though, Jane didn't try to talk to her about what had happened until they made it to her house; only once they were inside, and the medical examiner had taken a seat on the couch, the detective spoke up, sitting down next to her and grasping her hand, holding it tenderly as she looked at her. "Tell me what happened."

"It was irrational", Maura gave back, momentarily feeling ashamed about her freak-out, "it just… I don't know, it all got too much, the lack of sleep and the nightmares, and then when Carter started yelling at me, I just… I lost my nerves and started to cry, it's as if his yelling was the final drop which broke the camel's back."

"The final straw", Jane corrected almost automatically, "and don't let him get to you so much. You know he thinks women have no job in law enforcement and that he likes to make them cry, just ignore him, alright?"

"Usually, I do", Maura mumbled in response, a heavy sigh escaping her, "but today, he just got to me… As I said, the lack of sleep, statistics say that—"

"Hush", Jane interrupted her, not unkindly, but still firm enough to make her fall silent, "no talk of statistics now, that'll only tire your poor brain out even more. Just try to relax, alright? Do you want something to drink? Or some special kind of, hell, I don't know, vegetable to eat, or something? Whatever you want, I'll get it for you."

"Nothing, thank you", Maura gave back at once, all at once feeling dreadfully tired, "could you just… hold me? Please?"

Anyone else might have thought that this was an odd request, but Jane immediately nodded and moved closer to her, wrapping both arms around her; and without missing a beat, Maura leaned into the embrace, resting her head on the taller woman's shoulder and closing her eyes, a small, content sigh escaping her when she felt Jane move one hand to caress her hair tenderly.

"Thank you", the doctor mumbled after just enjoying the tender touch for a while, a rather unarticulated noise coming from Jane in response, but somehow, she still managed to tell Maura not to mention it with that simple sound; for a few moments, the medical examiner almost felt like falling asleep then and there, then forced herself to open her eyes again, telling herself that she wouldn't get any sleep at night if she'd drift off into dreamland now.

"Don't fall asleep", Jane's voice came, as if the detective had heard her thoughts, "or you'll be up all night, and keep me awake too with all your tossing and turning."

This offhand comment made Maura smile from ear to ear, taking so much of her anxiety away that it felt as if a physical weight had been removed from her shoulders; after all, not only did it confirm that Jane would spend the night at her home again, but it also told her that the detective would sleep in her bed again, keeping the nightmares away, giving her all the comfort and support she might ask for.

"If you don't want me to fall asleep and then keep you awake all night, I have to distract myself somehow", she made herself say, looking up at the detective; their eyes met, and for a few moments, they just kept holding each other's gaze, then the medical examiner cleared her throat and made a vague gesture at her TV, letting Jane know that she had recorded a rather interesting documentary the other night.

"Fine", the taller woman gave back, answering her unasked question, "we can watch that. But only if you promise it has no anatomy." She put air quotes around the last word, and in response, Maura giggled slightly, then reassured her that there was no anatomy; and while Jane went to get them snacks and something to drink, she switched on the TV and searched for the recording, simultaneously asking herself if Jane had an idea how much she was helping her – and if she had imagined the longing in the taller woman's gaze when they had looked at each other or if it really had been there, and what it might mean if it had been.


	16. Chapter 16

_Let me go! Flee; far away from the life I once knew_

_Let me fall, deep down! The truth will be down there to pick me back up_

_Freeze time… for now._

_ReVamp – The Anatomy of a Nervous Breakdown: On the Sideline_

"You are not going to work today", Jane told her early in the next morning, in response to her question if she wanted the bathroom first; just like the previous night, the detective had shared her bed during the night, holding her close and keeping the nightmares away, allowing her to have the first night of completely peaceful sleep in weeks.

"What do you mean, I'm not going to work today", she repeated, raising an eyebrow at the taller woman, "I have to. There is much still to be done, and—"

"Someone else can do it", Jane interrupted her, "and don't try to argue this. I already called in sick for you and took a day off. You're taking it easy today, with me."

"No, Jane, I can't", Maura protested, "there are so many things I still need to do, the report Detective Carter needed, and…"

"Someone else can give him that", the detective countered at once, clearly not willing to give in, "come on Maur, don't tell me you can need a day off. You haven't slept properly in weeks, you've cried twice at work during the last few days, and you're jumpy and insecure. If you keep that up, you'll make a mistake sooner or later, and then, things will get even worse, so just stay home today. For me?"

"This is highly unfair", the doctor gave back, though not fully serious, "you know I can't say no to you."

For a moment, she wondered if she had said too much, now revealed too much; to her relief though, Jane just smiled, then responded by letting herself drop down on the bed again, patting the mattress next to her.

"We might as well get some more sleep then", she suggested, knowing that the medical examiner wouldn't refuse her at how her eyes lit up at the thought; and not even half a minute later, Maura had joined her in bed again, immediately and without thought snuggling up to her, prompting her, after a moment's hesitation, to put both arms around her yet again.

"Thank you", the smaller woman murmured after a few minutes had ticked by in comfortable silence, "I guess you're right, I really do need this…"

"Obviously", Jane gave back, a hint of mischief in her voice, allowing Maura to almost hear the smile on her face, "because you just said I guess. Dr Isles, guessing, I never would have thought I'd see the day."

"That was a figure of speech", Maura protested at once, making the taller woman chuckle as she had predicted exactly this reaction, "I was not guessing in the literal sense. And judging from how you're laughing at me now, you know that."

"I'm not laughing at you", Jane gave back, without missing a beat, "I'm laughing _with_ you."

"I am not laughing", Maura pointed out her lack of mirth in response, even managing to keep up the serious façade for a few moments – before she started to giggle, Jane's smirk widening in response, the detective clearly enjoying it to hear her best friend laugh again after the previous day's breakdown.

Finally, they both calmed down again, still smiling at each other; and for a few seconds, Maura found herself dangerously close to kissing the detective, imagining how it would be to feel those lips on hers, if they would be as soft as she imagined them to be and taste as sweet as they did in her daydreams.

Then, she forced those thoughts out of her mind, telling herself not to be ridiculous; surely, Jane wouldn't react well to being kissed by her, considering the fact that the detective was straight and saw her merely as her best friend, and not as a love interest, and the last thing she needed now was to ruin their friendship by making such a rushed move.

_Don't even think about that again, _she told herself, shifting slightly so she could rest her head on Jane's shoulder in a way that made it possible for her to avoid looking at the taller woman's face without making her suspicious, _you know how perceptive Jane is, she'll notice for sure that something is up, and when she asks you, you can't lie to her, you're physically incapable of lying…_

The feeling of Jane's hand moving to her hair and tenderly caressing it tore the medical examiner out of her thoughts, and she nearly flinched, managing to keep still in the last moment; for a second, Jane's hand stopped its movement, as the taller woman tried to figure out if her touch was welcome, then she resumed the slow, gentle movements, knowing that it was okay when Maura let out a small, content sigh in reply.

"Get some rest", the detective whispered to her best friend, knowing that this was just what her best friend needed after the previous day, "I'll be right here, for as long as you want me to."

"Thank you", the doctor repeated her previous words in response, finding herself yawning heartily afterwards, the lack of sleep she had built up during the previous weeks taking its toll on her; with another small sigh, she snuggled even closer to the taller woman, her eyes falling close moments later as Jane's mere presence and her embrace were more than enough to give her the calmness she needed to get some decent sleep.

Still caressing her hair, Jane kept holding her, looking up at the ceiling as she waited for her breath to slow; and only once it had turned into the calm and slow breathing which signalled deep sleep, she relaxed visibly, raising her head so she could kiss the top of Maura's, something she only dared to do now that she knew the medical examiner was fast asleep, her heart heavy with longing as she laid back down and kept staring up at the ceiling, asking herself how much longer she would be able to hide her true feelings from her best friend.


End file.
